Friday, October 13, 2017

For What It's Worth...

Sometimes I hear a song that just totally gets me. Today it is "For What it's Worth" by one Liam Gallagher. It's not a cover of the Buffalo Springfield song and isn't about Vietnam. It is an apology to his fans, which all you fellow 90s Alternative fans will understand considering the volatile nature of the band Oasis, mostly due to conflict between the Gallagher brothers, Noel and Liam. I'll post the video below, but some words that really hit home with me are:

"In my defense, all my intentions were good. And Heaven owns a place somewhere for the misunderstood. You know I'd give you blood if it'd be enough"
"For what it's worth I'm sorry for the hurt. I'll be the first to say I made my own mistakes."
"Sometimes we lose our way."

I feel like I've lost my way. I'm not the person I was back in Middle School, or High School, or the mission, or college....  Heck, I'm not the person I was a couple years ago. Some of that is for the better, some is for the worse. I've made mistakes. I've hurt people I love. I've pushed people away. I've talked during the best songs. I've offended people. I've weirded people out. While it seems like an unfair assessment to say I had good intentions with everything I've done, it is an even more unfair assessment to say I did things with malice. I was, like everyone else, trying to find my place in this world, I still am. But I can say that overall, deep down inside, my intentions were good. This doesn't make up for my ill doings because I think it's true what they say "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions." But it almost feels like I am trying to fulfill my good intentions of years gone by. 

I'm still not today the man I should be. I continue to make mistakes. I'm not where I'd hoped to be at this stage in my life. But has anyone's life gone the way they planned? I was supposed to be a great dad, I was supposed to be living in a big house with a huge yard and 4 kids running around.. And I was supposed to be a TV Producer. And I was supposed to still be in touch with everyone I used to call my friends. So far, the only thing that has gone the way I planned is having a beautiful wife, and I'm a quarter of the way to the kids number. Other than those, this is not the life I planned. Does that mean I am unhappy with my life? Not necessarily. Things have changed that caused me to rethink my life plans and goals. And, other changes were just thrust upon me. Do I just accept them and say to myself "well, I guess this is what we are doing now?" Or do I embrace the changes? Obviously I should embrace the changes. But I think that is easier said than done. I have a great life and I am thankful for the life I have. That being said, I struggle to be proud of how far I've come, assuming that I haven't truly achieved my potential. After all, my senior year in high school I was voted most likely to be president. Everyone knows those are accurate predictions...

On the point of not being in touch with all of my friends from the past - this makes me sad. The whole reason I got Facebook back in 2006 (yes, I broke the rules by joining Facebook while I was on the mission), to keep in touch with all the great people I met and knew on the mission, realizing it would be a long time before I saw most of them again, if ever. And, in addition, I wanted to get back in touch with old friends and some acquaintances so we could become friends. I am trying ti find them, but I realize I will never find all of them. Some aren't on Facebook, some aren't around anymore, and some have perhaps blocked me. And that makes me sad. I want to find everyone and show them that I have turned out alright. I think I'm a pretty funny guy and am fun to be around. I guess I've been apologizing for a long time. My intentions are good. I don't want to get back in touch with everyone for any reason other than to rekindle the friendship we had and catch up. As I said in my previous post, sometimes you just need a friend. If someone doesn't want to be that friend who is there for me, I hope they'd at least let me be that friend for them. This world can be a lonely place, As adults, it is sometimes hard to be the friends you once were with people, especially if they are of the opposite sex (of which most my friends in high school were),  but as adults, why not be friends? Most of us are all married and have kids of our own, so lets get together and have our kids play while we catch up. Think of how much we have to catch up on if it's been 15 years since we've seen each other!

I saw a great friend of mine today. As I was walking down the hall at my work to go say hi to her, I did the math and realized it had been 12 years since we'd seen each other. So much has happened for both of us in 12 years! But as we talked, it felt like it hadn't been that long, we just had tons to say and had to be reminded about some things that happened. But it was great! We talked for an hour and just talked about everything and nothing. I still felt like we were the great friends we were before I left on the mission and we lost touch.

Now, to the video I promised you. I am not generally a fan of these lyrics videos, but the lyrics to this song are powerful, especially to help explain how I've been feeling. And, this is the only video I could find. Let me know what you think!

Until next time...

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