Thursday, October 12, 2017

Friends high and low, near and far

This is my first blog entry since February 2016. And what a lot has happened since then! I can't believe it has been that long. I kept meaning to make a new entry but life got the best of me. I had a lot to say and still do. Sometimes I just have a hard time putting it down. And I fear that as I start to type, I will change the subject over and over just like I do when speaking to people. Anyone who grew up with me, especially those of us in Deseret remember me being told by one of my church leaders that I have the attention span of a hummingbird. It's kindof an interesting phenomenon because when I talk, I can sometimes jump from topic to topic, with or without any sort of connection; but yet I did relatively well in school. They actually at one time thought that I may have some form of attention deficit, but when they realized I graduated Valedictorian (in college - I was far from that in high school), they said it isn't very likely I have a hard time paying attention. In further research, they determined that my mind actually bounces around while still processing what I should be paying attention (classroom lectures, etc). So, while it seems I am not paying attention, I actually am (I guess). All that being said, my point is, this post will likely be about everything and nothing. I apologize in advance.

This post didn't start out even close to what I had in mind. I really had more of an intention to make this almost an apology of sorts to everyone I've hurt, offended, or upset along my path to becoming the person I am destined to be. I wish, however, that I knew exactly what I am destined to be. I guess I have been apologizing for a long time- to others, and to myself for not being who I should be. I've been doing a lot of retrospection, not just lately, but for a long time. I look back at who I used to be and while I am not proud of some of the things I used to do and the way I treated some people, I am also not exactly proud of who I am now. It is a hard thing to explain. I feel like I have accomplished some good things, but as I am prone to do, I compare myself to others and beat myself up for not being a better husband, provider or father; not being a more patient boss; not being as good looking or as fit as I used to be; not being a better neighbor; not being a good board member...

I look back at middle school and realize I was a rather strange fellow (everyone has their awkward stage - I hope), I look back at high school and realize I didn't treat people right and didn't put the emphasis on religion as I should have; I look back on college and wish I had lived it up more and got to know more people, I regret not having the typical college experience, even though that was really hard to do while going to school full-time and working full-time; and I look back on the mission and wish I had been a better, hard working missionary and fully embraced the experience and actually learned the language (Russian was hard, but I could've worked harder at it). But through all this, one of the things I regret the most is my relationships with people (or lack thereof). I miss my friends. I miss having friends who I'd spend every spare second with. Some of us were quite inseparable in high school. And while I had best friends, and still consider them my best friends, I wasn't the best friend to a lot of people. It sounds trite, but I truly consider my "Facebook friends" as actual friends. I tend to be quite conservative with whom I add or accept there. LinkedIn is where I add anyone who asks to be added, because the point of that is to build my network. Facebook is to stay in touch with my friends, near and far. Sometimes it almost seems like I put on this persona wherein I hate people. In reality I actually do like people and I consider myself a people person. However, people who really know my know that I don't associate with just anyone, but I feel like once I start to get to know someone, I like to consider us friends. And my love for my friends is strong. I will be always be in their corner. We may not speak all the time or live in the same town, but I consider us friends. Sometimes this may turn people off because I "came on too strong" or we aren't really friends, just pen pals, acquaintances, etc. But I like to consider people my friends.

To those who have loved, and cared about me even if or when I didn't treat them with the same love, respect, and friendship - thank you, and, I'm sorry. You know who you are better than I probably do. Lately, I've really tried to connect with long lost friends whether we were close or merely wrote, exchanged emails or saw each other once a year or so. Perhaps one of my such friends is reading this write now. Maybe you needed to hear (well, read) me say I'm sorry or thank you. Thank you for being there for me even when I wasn't there for you. Sorry if I thought we were friends and we really weren't. Sorry if you thought we were friends but I didn't. I've been saying sorry for a long time but never really saying it. Its easy to consider friends who we'd have bonfires with or cruise main, or go to school dances with as friends. But what about those I had in other towns? I had quite a few of those. Remember the days of the penpal? Then it evolved to email-pal and now Facebook pals. What constitutes a friend? That is different things to different people. But if I run into someone I haven't seen in years, and we now seem to be just "people that we used to know," I hope we can still catch up and become new friends, again.

Some of us may have just lost touch. Some of you may have found we strange, obnoxious, weird or whatever and thus purposely lost touch with me. But I hope someday we can reconnect. I want to continue to be here for you. It's funny how things change when you become an adult, with your own family and responsibilities. Some people are still able to hang out, go golfing, catch a football game, etc. with their friends. I don't know how they do it and I wish they could. But regardless of how little we see each other or talk, I will continue to be here for my friends and have their backs. And I hope no one reading this, regardless of whether they consider themselves my friend, have someone they can turn to as a friend. We may have on our wives, husbands, kids, and family, but we all still need a friend. My wife, Ariana is my best friend and always will be, and I hope she feels the same; but if one of my friends need me, I will always be here. This may sound cliché these days, but if you need someone to talk to, and we are friends on Facebook, you can reach out to me anytime. Sometimes all of us just need to know someone is there and someone cares. Send me an email or a message on Facebook. I'll give you my phone number- you call me day or night. I can't guarantee the best advice, as a matter of fact, my advice may downright suck, but I can guarantee a listening ear. And if you run into me somewhere, give me a hug!

Like I said, this post wasn't really about much of anything. But you can't say I didn't warn you. Well, you can say that, but it would be a lie. Much love to you all. Thanks for reading my blog, but mostly, thanks for being a friend.

2 comments:

  1. I instantly thought of The Golden Girls them song when I read the last sentence 😁 I love you babe! You'll always be my best friend 💓

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