Skip to main content

The Realism of Depression

Sometimes in life, when we fail to understand something, we fail to "believe" it is real. Take for example depression. I have suffered with chronic depression since high school, and unfortunately, after the drama of high school is over, the depression doesn't necessarily get any better.

When I would have down times, and even now sometimes when I do, people would tell me to just look at everything I have to be happy for and quit focusing on the negative. But, unfortunately, it isn't that simple. That's like telling someone who is sick with a cold to just quit focusing on the illness and be happy and healthy. People who would often have the best of intentions would say things like "it's all in your head." Well, that may or may not be true, but either way that wouldn't make it any less real or less painful. Mental illness is just as real and can be just as hard to deal with and physical illness. Sometimes it's hard to recognize something you can't physically see as really existing.

I wish I could simply focus on all the great things going on in life and just be happy. But, as much as I try that, I can't. Depression doesn't even just mean that someone who is depressed is sad and doesn't see happiness in anything. There are times when I am very happy, for example when spending times with my wife and baby girl. They are the loves of my life. And I know how blessed and lucky I am to have them. But, then, there are still times when I feel down. And these down times don't really have any explanation.

For this reason (and many others), depression can be extremely difficult on the loved ones of those who suffer from it. Those around that person, particularly significant others may feel that they aren't making the other person happy and that their isn't anything they can do to help. It may be very true that their isn't anything they could do to help, but that doesn't make it their fault. And that is something that everyone who suffers from depression needs to make sure those around them understand. As I failed to get help from my depression early on, it continued to spiral and be more and more difficult on my wife.

Not really understanding depression myself and thinking I just sucked at life, I didn't seek help or try to figure out what was going on. Finally, after deciding (which much insistence from my wonderful wife), I sought help. I was diagnosed with both Manic Depressive Disorder & Bipolar Disorder II. Among other things, I've been put on some medication (which I was very against, and was part of the reason I didn't see a doctor earlier), which seemed to help quite a bit. I still have times when I feel like a complete failure, or a sense of complete uselessness. But it definitely hasn't been as often or as regular since seeking help. But then there are times where I still feel really down, these times are especially as of late.

I don't sleep hardly. I can't focus on anything. And ironically, one of the best ways to deal with depression is to exercise, workout, etc. But, because I don't sleep well, I'm always too tired to work out or really do much of anything for that matter.

I don't know why I feel so down. Am I unhappy with my job? Not necessarily. Am I unhappy with my marriage or family? Not at all. Maybe I need to make some changes in my life. But I don't know what these changes are. And I continue to make decisions that I think will make me happy and move in the direction I want my life to go. But then I still find myself being less than completely satisfied with life. So I continue to seek help and try to figure out what is going on or what I need to do.

Comments

  1. Thank you for the blog man! I feel depressed myself pretty often, but I don't think I can diagnose it a sickness in my case. What I found that helped me is exercise, specifically weight lifting and yoga. You said you can't sleep well, does that mean you can't fall asleep easy? In my case I noticed that on the day I lifted I slept well. So maybe if you tried to lift every other day, even if you were tired and you hated, it would help your brain be saturated with endorphins and your body tired so that you would fall asleep easier. Try it for two weeks, it helped and still is helping me to stay happy.

    Hope you'll get better man! S novym godom bratan!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey budydy! Thanks for reading my blog and for commenting. Exercise is something that any "professional" will tell you is key to helping with depression. Not only is there the obvious health benefit, but it is also something that can give you a break and get your mind on something else. Going to the gym has always been an important part of my routine. So much, it used to annoy Ariana when we were dating because I'd have to plan dates and such around the gym. :)

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chronic illness and the loneliness it creates

This post is one that I have felt needed to be written for a long time. But I have avoided writing it for a number of reasons. I won't go into the why nots, but I will go into the reasons I feel like it needed to be written. To start the "whys," I will explain why I write a blog. There are 2 main reasons I blog, the first is rather selfish - it is therapeutic to me. I can't explain how or why, but it is. The second reason is really 2 fold - 1) it may help others by reading it 2) it may help others to help me. This will likely be a longer post that usual. You've been warned.

It may seem to odd to people that someone who is has been happily married for almost 10 years and has a child could ever feel lonely. Perhaps someone reading this is currently or has gone through a similar situation where they have a chronically, seriously ill spouse. If you are or have been in that situation and never felt lonely, I commend you and ask for your secret. If you are someone who…

Friends high and low, near and far

This is my first blog entry since February 2016. And what a lot has happened since then! I can't believe it has been that long. I kept meaning to make a new entry but life got the best of me. I had a lot to say and still do. Sometimes I just have a hard time putting it down. And I fear that as I start to type, I will change the subject over and over just like I do when speaking to people. Anyone who grew up with me, especially those of us in Deseret remember me being told by one of my church leaders that I have the attention span of a hummingbird. It's kindof an interesting phenomenon because when I talk, I can sometimes jump from topic to topic, with or without any sort of connection; but yet I did relatively well in school. They actually at one time thought that I may have some form of attention deficit, but when they realized I graduated Valedictorian (in college - I was far from that in high school), they said it isn't very likely I have a hard time paying attention. …

Homesickness at home?

First, I'd like to thank everyone who has added to my discussion on Facebook regarding feeling homesick while one is already "at home." While I didn't get responses from as many people as I was hoping and expecting, the quality of the responses I got was astounding. And I'll take quality over quantity.

This is something I've been thinking a lot about for the past few weeks since I first read someone asking if it is possible to feel homesick when one is at home. This question has really stuck with me, especially because it kind of put to words what I have been feeling for quite a while. We bought our current house in November 2009. So, one would think that after having been here for almost 8 years to the day, I'd feel at home. I don't. I wouldn't say I've never felt at home at all here, and I'm not sure if this feeling has just come up as of late since life as I knew it (and marriage and family life as I knew it) is now gone. Perhaps I hav…